For some reason the death of Heath Ledger last week really affected me, I thought about it a lot. I miss him, I didn't even know him, but I feel sad that such a natural actor and a great father is gone.

At the Screen Actors Guild awards, Daniel Day Lewis won for "There Might Be Blood" and dedicated his award to Heath Ledger.

Asked backstage why he'd decided to dedicate the award to Ledger, he said, "I suppose that's all I've been thinking about for the last few days. I never met him. I thought he was beautiful. I just have a very strong feeling that I would have liked him very much as a man. ...I admired him very much."

I feel the same way, Heath just seemed like a good guy and a very caring person, I wish as much peace as possible for his family.

The sickness

One after another the boys all started throwing up and being just generally miserable. Last night was day 5 of the sickness, with 2 out of 3 kids unable to make it to a proper spot to barf. I didn't think I could take another minute of it, and then today I'm home alone with the sickies until 7 pm. But... it wasn't as bad as I thought. I actually had a great day with them, going nowhere, just laying low and doing little things I need to do. My Creature has been just pure sweetness all day, so kind and adorable. I needed this little break, I'm sorry that they've been so sick, but it was kind of fun in a weird way.

8!

My first born is 8.
He was almost born at my parents house, where we labored for 3 long days.
He and I just took it one contraction at a time.
He put me into a state of postpartum bliss.
He slept on my chest for his first 3 months.
We lived in a crappy neighborhood, but I didn't care as long as we were together.
He didn't talk until 3. But I understood him.
He is peer pressure immune, so far anyway.
He is a little Jack Kerouac, loves girls, loves wearing black.
He is morbid.
He loves Halloween the most.
He loves his brothers.
He prays every night.
He is complex, quiet, climbs fearlessly, loves music, is a great dancer.
He is my precious boy.

Chile again

Today I was telling a fellow preschool mom after drop off about Alistair, my boy in heaven. I've seen her at church and around town too and I know she's very nice. She is pregnant with her 5th baby and she was remarking that her new baby was going to be 3 years younger than her youngest--her biggest space yet. I told her I prefer 3 years part and that I've had kids 2 years apart, 1 year apart and 3 years apart. Which of course led into telling her about Alistair. I am pretty open about him, with my kids and with my friends, but I don't feel the need to tell every mom I meet. I felt bad because she is pregnant and I just kept it to the basics so as not to scare her. She said, "How did you do it?" and I said, "I'm still doing it and I just do it." It was nice to talk about him for a minute.

We talked about other stuff and even laughed and joked around out there in the cold. I liked her because she could switch gears easily, like me. Some people just don't know what to say and some people walk away. I don't blame them. I don't like pity though, I don't feel sorry for myself. I loved every minute I had with my boy. He made me a much better person than I was before. I do miss him every day and always will.

I do wonder if I did just give up would people think that was a normal response? "Oh, she just fell apart, she lost it because her son died." Grief is hard and excruciating work that must be done, I'm not talking about that--that is very healthy--I'm talking about never coming out of that dark first few years. I couldn't stay there, I had another kid around to take care of when Alistair died. But I also have too much respect for Alistair as a person, to give up and be bitter. I try to be my best, it honors him for me to be here and be as whole as possible for my family. Of course I have a lot of work to do to get there, but still... :)


p.s. I just read this on one of my favorite new blogs, http://closetotheroot.blogspot.com/
and it sort of sums up what I was trying to say in my need-to-go-to-bed convoluted way, " We are never the same, after these losses. We never get back to "normal" but, life does become a good place to be once again; in time."

CHILE baby!

Last year (this week) I blogged that I hoped we'd finally get to Chile. We bought the tickets today and in March, we are there!! I am one of the few women who is married to a South American who has not been to South America, at least of all the fellow ladies married-to-South-Americans that I've met. I am not going to lie, the plane ride makes me nervous, but we are officially going to the bottom of the earth & I am hyped!!

I'm thinking about this family today: http://cfhusband.blogspot.com/
Please send them your thoughts and prayers. They are an inspiring young family, facing big challenges with a lot of hope.

meet my friend, Neti!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nasal_irrigation
I love you Neti pot, you have brought me to the final frontiers of natural health. i thought you were freaky once, now I want to tell the world about you. I am healthy as ox in winter now, thanks to you, Neti, my wonderful ceramic friend.

aaaaaah Richmond...

I love going back down to Richmond, where I went to college. We had to go get some birth certificates today and it was so fun to drive past places I used to party, work, study, in that order! We went to a super colorful Thai restaurant for lunch and to a beer store that is renowned for their good prices, for cheap hops and plenty of malt. It was easy and it was a beautiful day. The Creature stayed in a good mood, he loves adventures and little guy was looking cute with his manly little haircut. Richmond is a soul filled city with real culture and punk rock attitude, except its so much friendlier than where we are. I was in the restaurant bathroom pondering moving there, we'll see...

Boys busy with their Christmas toys, on Christmas morning and the day after (thanks to Santa's elves for building that awesome treehouse)
A Creature loving his new Creature (thanks cool Uncle Mike!)
A visit to the National Shrine in DC

Wow! Christmas and New Years was great,very draining, but all was well with our family. I was overwhelmed with Christmas play practice for the oldest, all the regular shopping, baking, entertaining etc. I got sick 3 different times in a month. Stomach, sinus, stomach! All treated naturally thank God. I need a lot less food and a break. I just want to get out and walk in the woods with these boyz. These are all good problems to have, happy kids at Christmas, something to do to almost every night, fun with uncles and extended family and friends. Now its all about focusing on getting back on track and staying mindful and present in the moment.